Happy Pride

 I didn't start doing theater until after I came out.

Part of it was because I was going to a church that believes performance art is prideful. That church also didn't really encourage fiction writing. All the things that make me, me, were held back to some degree.

But I didn't give up on that church for a long time because I had come to believe they had the truth of God. And if I turned my back on that, I would not ever truly be right with God. And eventually, you know, that means dying and not going to heaven. I.e. eternal damnation. And I'm also gay. So that was a big thing I was afraid of that I thought the church could maybe save me from.

I was successfully indoctrinated.

So even though I continued to enjoy music and wrote fantasy novels, I clung to my religion and held back from really truly diving into my passions.

I stopped going to church in 2020 when the burden became too much. My gayness wasn't going away. I finally accepted myself for who I am. And my sexuality is part of me. My denial of it was also holding me back. I was deathly afraid of doing things that might expose me for a homosexual.

In 2021, I finally auditioned for a local play, something I had always wanted to do, deep down inside. I love theater. I wish I had gotten into it sooner.

It's a place where my interests and talents are actually appreciated. Singing, dancing, making costumes. These things matter to theater. And no one else really gives a damn.

It feels so right to finally be doing theater.

And also drag. I took a dance class for contemporary dance--a class that was all women besides me. I would have felt too singled out before...too weird for being the guy who wants to dance. And that's society's fault for gendering activities and emotions.

So it's a weird side effect of coming out and not caring that you're gay. Suddenly you're free to express yourself. And I love that society is heading in the direction where everyone can do that. Kids today don't give a shit if they're wearing pink or painting their nails. Dancing. Theater. Aspersions aren't as easily cast about sexuality for showing emotion.

Part of coming out is learning to let go. It's coming to terms with insecurities and deciding to disregard other people's disapproval. It's a process, especially for a people pleaser like me. 

I grew up in a place that entirely disapproved of gay people.

And the atmosphere is still a little oppressive, but I don't care as much anymore. And now I can be proud.

Instead of secretly ashamed all the time. And I can shrug my shoulders and wear the weird stuff I always wanted to, and not be ashamed of my high pitched laugh, and I can walk without worrying about how much my hips are moving. And I can embrace being an artist. And I can make dresses and write fiction and perform on stage.

I don't have to be afraid of pride. I don't have to be afraid of doing the things I'm good at, just in case I love them more than God.

The Bible says God is a jealous God. Well, that's not a healthy relationship then.

And I'm glad I'm out of it.

I think the true God or universe or essence of art is more loving than that and would want us to be happy and free and proud. Not unnecessarily, but proud as in the absence of shame and insecurity. Proud as in loving yourself as you are and not thinking you have to change.

Proud as in acceptance.

And a little proud you made it this far. Proud you are living fully. Authentically. And without fear. Proud to know you're fighting for things that matter.

The line from Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz (spoilers quote ahead):

"I'm so ashamed."

"Ashamed? Of loving Dante?"

I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm proud to love my boyfriend. And more importantly, I'm proud to love myself at last.