Monday, December 5, 2016

A Chirstmas Letter Gone Wrong

   Beware this Christmas season, that you don't let loose the Scrooge in you. We all have a little bit of him within us somewhere (right?). I love Christmas. I love the lights, the caorling, the warmth, the snow, and above all, the egg nog! However, when I sat down to write a Christmas letter...well, it came out...sort of, well, wrong.
   My letters do tend to come out rather sardonic. For some reason when I write a letter, my style dips into a kind of Lemony Snicket knock off drawl of sarcastic misfortune. And this attempt came out worse than usual...see below.

   Merry Christmas, you old goat.
   Sorry, I’m talking to myself. I’m the Grinch.
   I guess this is that annual letter where I brag about all of the amazing things I did and far off places I visited. Let’s put them in list form.
1.      I didn’t die.
2.      I didn’t kill anyone on accident.
3.      I didn’t kill anyone on purpose.
4.      I am still alive.
5.      I am not in prison.
6.      The world is still turning.
7.      I didn’t die or kill anyone.
   There. Does that cover it? I don’t really feel like sharing personal information with you just because it’s Christmas and you are distantly related to me. If you really must know, I had two books published this year. Yes, two, and if you didn’t know that already, and didn’t immediately purchase three copies of each, you don’t really deserve to get this letter, do you? It’s a gift.
   I visited the filthy streets of tourist-border-town-Mexico back in March. No, it’s not the Mediterranean. If I had the money to go there, I’d still be there and you wouldn’t be hearing from me.
My job ended due to my boss’s restlessness and desire to get out of here. An aspiration with which I have no sympathy. So I may find another job, or I may go into business myself next year, which is sure to be a financial disaster in which I die, kill people, and stop the world from turning, so you can hope diligently for that so as to escape next year’s letter. In the meantime, I will work on writing more books and so you had best start clearing your shelf space.
   This year, Christmas is bound to be delightful, what with the sister coming over and bringing her boyfriend and his children and brothers and assorted familial relations. How delightful to grin at people you share a blood bond with. How much more delightful to grin at people that you share nothing but the awkward silence with?
   Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas and I love my odious relatives. And my odious non-relatives are surprisingly non-odious. So life is good. And that election we just had?
   I just brought that up to start fights.
   I’m the Grinch.
   So have yourself a miserable little Christmas and a piss-drunk New Year.
   Much love and hatred wrapped up in one misanthropic bundle of nihilistically diabolical joy,

P.S. I hope Krampus gets you
This is just a random Grinch I found. I'll probably do some of my own Grinch and Krampus art soon! that out of my system, right? I hope. Writing is a good way to detox the soul. Or nurture that which grows there. But don't worry, I'm on my way to find some French carols to learn!
Merry Christmas in advance and I'll be in touch before then hopefully. The next installment of Oramon should be ready by this weekend, it was supposed to be up already, but I hadn't finished it and I don;t have an illustration yet!

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