Saturday, May 23, 2020

All That Weird Jazz


The new anthology I'm in!

AT THE CROSSROADS OF AMERICA’S MUSIC AND THE BIZARRE-‘ALL THAT WEIRD JAZZ’ DEBUTS!

Jazz. A music of improvisation, of passion, of its very own kind of magic. Considered by many to be the only truly original American form of music, it has since its birth in a smoky room somewhere also been tied to the strange, wrapped up in the supernatural, associated with the occult, at least in hints and shadows. Pro Se Productions now brings together several of the most innovative writers in genre fiction today in ALL THAT WEIRD JAZZ, telling the tales of the unusual between the notes, the magic behind the music.

From straight up pulp action to ghostly noir to a dragon who digs Jazz more than anyone else, ALL THAT WEIRD JAZZ takes love for this unique musical styling to an all new level, complete with adventure, thrills, and even a chill or two.

With stories by Kimberly Richardson, MA Monnin, Ernest Russell, EW Farnsworth, James Hopwood, McCallum J. Morgan, Mark Barnard, Davide Mana, and Sharae Allen, ALL THAT WEIRD JAZZ combines the fantastic and unusual with America’s own music for one of the most unique collections of stories ever.  From Pro Se Productions. 



Featuring a fascinating cover as well as logo design and print formatting by Antonino lo Iacono and Marzia Marina, ALL THAT WEIRD JAZZ is available in print at:

This singularly distinctive anthology is also available as an eBook formatted by lo Iacono and Marina for the Kindle at:

To learn more about Pro Se Productions, go to www.prose-press.com. Like Pro Se on Facebook at www.facebook.com/ProSeProductions.


Jazz Juice is the title of my tale in this anthology. It is about a record collector and early jazz music enthusiast who discovers a record at a sale which claims to be by a famous trumpet player. The disc contains two songs that tell a strange story...and gives directions...voodoo and jazz and a meeting with the devil.

My illustration (not featured in the book)

I am delighted and humbled to be appearing in this anthology alongside such talented authors. I have really enjoyed the other stories in this anthology! Such great atmosphere and magic and compelling characters all around. I hope you will check it out.

Thursday, April 23, 2020

Plague Doctors! And Grimbound: Downloadable Coloring Books

Now available on my Etsy:
Plague Doctors Coloring Book
And Grimbound, the illustrations from Brooke Elden's dark retelling of Red Riding Hood

The Plague Doctor Coloring book contains nine images and is five dollars.

Xenomorph Midwife from the Plague Doctor Coloring Book

Perfume Monk from the plague doctor coloring book

Lady Doctor from the plague doctor coloring book

The Grimbound coloring book contains all thirteen of the illustrations for the book. Find out more about it and Brooke Elden on her site!
Grandmother's cottage from the Grimbound coloring book

Grim Reaper from the Grimbound coloring book

Sweets from the Grimbound Coloring book

And if you use the code CROWN before May 4th, you get 25 % off everything in my Etsy shop.



Saturday, December 14, 2019

Ambulatory Cadavers Audiobook

Super excited to release the audio version of Ambulatory Cadavers!
It's out now! Available on Audible and soon on amazon and itunes! And! I have promo codes! The first five people to leave a comment on this page will get a free code to download the new audiobook, which has been narrated by the wonderful Melika Jeddi. Plus, a download code for M Lauryl Lewis's zombie apocalypse book, Rotten (see previous post for more info). That's two free zombie audiobooks! Just comment below to win :)
A refresher:
Two cousins. One on the verge of a great discovery... and excessive power, wealth, and infamy, the other on the verge of an odious marriage. Lyra will stop at nothing to achieve her father’s dream of dissolving Parliament into anatomical sludge, and to search out the farthest reaches of science and the arcane arts. That is until her own dreams begin to awaken, jolted by the electric sparkle of an artist’s eyes. Lacking a strong constitution, Alice can only run from her problems, that is, until she collides into the company of a strange young man of questionable occupation and discovers her cousin’s terrible plans. The dead are about to rise, the Lords are about to fall, and things are about to get creamy. High society will never be the same again.
Amazon ebook link: http://amzn.to/2w4YNMo

And here's a little about the narrator: 

Melika Jeddi is a professional audiobook narrator and aspiring author. She especially loves narrating books with a cast of colourful characters, as she enjoys coming up with the various voices. Obsessed with all things nerdy, she dreams of one day publishing her own fantasy trilogy, but in the mean time she thoroughly enjoys reading other people’s books, with a particular interest in graphic novels. In her free time, Melika runs her own small online business selling custom book packages, as well as a bespoke crochet service.
www.mymarvellousbooks.com
https://www.facebook.com/MyMar...
https://www.facebook.com/MyMar...

Monday, December 2, 2019

Rotten by M. Lauryl Lewis. Audiobook release



As my own audiobook for Ambulatory Cadavers releases, I wanted to share more zombie audiobooks! This is a new audiobook release by fellow Zombie Author, M. Lauryl Lewis.

ROTTEN: Book One - Infection


The undead. The reanimated. Monsters that walk the earth once Hell is full. Zombies. Call them what you want. No one was prepared for the end of the world to bring the impossible; the dead were never actually supposed to rise. War, plague, natural disaster maybe - but the dead rising to eat the living? That was never supposed to become reality.

It began with sniffles, coughs, and fever. Once sick, the end came soon, but so did the beginning. Just as quickly as the sick begin to fall, so does Poppy’s world. As she loses everything she holds dear, she faces her new world head-on. Accompanied by strangers, she tries to make her way to safety, soon to realize that safety no longer exists.

ROTTEN takes place in the same universe as the Grace Series. Get ready to follow Poppy and Ellis as they cross paths with a few names you might recognize. While the two series will eventually merge, you do not need to read one to follow the other.

written by M. Lauryl Lewis, narrated by Tabitha Wood


E-book: http://bit.ly/RottenBookOne

On Audible: http://bit.ly/RottenOneAudio



About the Author: M. Lauryl Lewis lives in the foothills of the Cascade mountain range with her husband, three sons, five dogs, and three cats. She loves cooking, gardening, reading, and can be found riding her motorcycle on sunny days. Formerly a registered nurse, she retired in 2013 to focus on writing. She’s an advocate for pet safety and childhood cancer awareness. M. Lauryl has been a fan of the horror genre since she was very young. The living dead are by far her favorite creatures from the depths of hell.


Website: http://zombieauthor.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MLaurylLewis/

Blog: http://zombieauthor.com/riding-purple

Twitter: @MLaurylLewis

Amazon Author Page: http://bit.ly/AuthorMLaurylLewis




About the narrator: Tabitha Wood (AKA Tamara Bracht) lives on a hobby farm in rural Minnesota where she and her husband raise and butcher their own chickens and pigs. In her spare time, you can find her gardening, reading, doing arts and crafts, and hanging out with the family pets that consist of 2 Great Danes, 1 Yorkie, 4 cats, and 1 snake named Ernie. She is an avid reader and absolutely enjoys narrating books. She has been married to her husband for ten years, has 2 boys ages 21 & 23. She has a heart for and is a strong advocate of, people who are differently abled.


Narrator website:
https://tabithawood.com/


Find her on Facebook @tabithawoodnarrator

Thursday, October 31, 2019

Fresh Paint

Here's another short horror story, sort of a sequel to the Tablet of Teh Ri'Teth, or at least part of that Mythos. Not sure what to call my Lovecraft-esque pantheon... Teh Ri'Teth Mythos isn't quite right. Suggestions?
And here's the story. As per usual, it got a bit long on me.

Fresh Paint
By McCallum J. Morgan

“Odd,” said Perkins.
“Not so very odd,” I said. “I’ve seen paint used to cover blood stains before.”
“In an abandoned house?” Perkins asked, kicking a pile of rotten newspapers. “We haven’t found a body, we don’t even know if this is a murder.”
“We have the missing persons report,” I said. “This was the last place they were seen. I’m just saying, the case where blood was covered by paint was that insane woman who slaughtered her husband. Why else would a wall be covered with fresh paint in a derelict house? No one buys paint to slather on crumbling wallpaper—unless they’re crazy. I’m just saying it’s a possibility.”
“Well, you can’t prove there’s blood behind that grey paint. The crazy lady confessed. That’s the only way we knew.”
“Do you have an explanation for this paint?”
“Perhaps someone wanted to test the color out,” Perkins said, shuffling through the old newspapers with a toe. Crumbled plaster littered the floor amidst other bits of garbage. A dead rat. No sign that anyone had been recently squatting in the place. Perkins turned his bowler between his fingers nervously.
“He WAS here,” I said, holding up the monogrammed scarf we’d found in the entry hall.
“You’ll have to have his wife confirm that piece before we know that with any certainty,” Perkins said. “I’m going to search the yard and the trees behind the house. Unless I find disturbed earth or a discarded weapons—or something—I’m not jumping on your hysterical bandwagon. Murder right away!”
“There’s no painting garbage! No brushes or cans, why would they clean up like that in this heap? Unless they hoped the paint would dry and get dirty and no one would ever know any different.”
“And blood dries, too,” retorted Perkins. “Into unidentifiable brown splotches. Could be coffee. Could be spaghetti!”
“Then let’s search the grounds,” I replied coolly. Perkins was right, of course, but something about that still sticky paint was too…too perfect. Whoever had done it had been careful to cover the wall thoroughly. The whole wall…cutting in the edges with precise care and a heavy recoat. Still damp. They’d put it on too thick and the house was humid inside in this weather with all the broken windows.
A thorough perusal of the shrubberies outside produced nothing. We searched through the woods behind the house, but still found nothing but an ancient deer skeleton. We found no body, no freshly turned earth, no discarded weapon or garment. It grew dark and Perkins glowered at me.
“What? Am I keeping you from your occult thriller?” I teased. “I’m surprised you haven’t suggested he was spirited away.” Perkins rolled his eyes.
“Illiterate swine,” he growled. I grinned.
“Pulp fiction is great literature.”
“We still haven’t found our man,” Perkins grumbled.
“No, but we’d better get back to the station,” I sighed. “Getting dark and we won’t find much in the dark.”
We headed back to the car and I kicked a pile of yellow aspen leaves. “Just odd,” I muttered as we climbed in and Perkins started the engine. I shivered and pulled my scarf closer around my neck. Wood smoke followed us into the car, along with the peculiar cold mustiness of fall.
Back at the station, Curew was waiting.
“We’ve got another missing person report,” he grumbled. “A neighbor says they haven’t been home in days and they NEVER leave their cat.” Curew’s eyes bounced off the ceiling. “She’s afriad they’re lying in the house, dead. Better go and talk to the poor thing in morning.”
“To the cat?” Perkins joked.
“The neighbor, Mrs. Blanchard,” Curew corrected humorlessly.
“Who’s the purported missing person?” I asked.
“A Mr. R. Gutring, she wasn’t sure what the R stood for as she didn’t know him ‘all that well, really.’”
“Well, we’ll have our work cut out,” I said, “patching up from your lack of sympathy.”
Curew snorted. “There’s a lot more to worry about in this town than the odd bachelor who doesn’t feed his cat for three days. Virtuous neighbors seem to take care of them just fine.”
“Perhaps she’s actually concerned about the missing human?” I suggested, but Curew just shook his head.
“Humans don’t care about each other!” he scoffed. “For instance, I don’t give a damn about you two. Now go and get home before it gets any later.”
“Says the uncaring one,” Perkins chimed in.
“I’m just concerned about the shoddy work you’ll do tomorrow if you don’t get enough sleep.”
“We’ll need all the sleep we can get to empathize with this virtuous neighbor,” Perkins agreed. “Goodnight, Curew, Mathis.”
“Goodnight,” I said. Curew just grunted.
The next morning found Perkins and I on the stoop of a ramshackle house, shivering in the bitter morning mist.
“Here you go,” Mrs. Blanchard sang, bursting out with a tray of hot chocolate.
“Thank you, ma’am,” Perkins said, scooping up a mug.
“Can you describe Mr. Gutring?” I asked, accepting a mug with a cold, eager fingers.
“Gaunt fellow,” Mrs. Blanchard said. “Dark-haired, and rather yellow-eyed, if you ask me, though I suppose they were brown or something. Always struck me as yellow. Like his teeth. Didn’t keep himself quite clean enough, nor his house, as you can see.” She nodded across the street to the dilapidated house with a broken front window. “But he had a warm voice, and always spoke kindly to Mr. Tinkletoes.”
Mr. Tinkletoes?” Perkins blinked.
“The cat.”
“Ohhh.”
“You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his animals,” Mrs. Blanchard went on while I sipped my chocolate and shivered. “So, I believe Mr. Gutring was alright. Despite his friends.”
“Why, what were they like?” Perkins asked.
“Shady,” Mrs. Blanchard replied without hesitation. “They came to visit at odd hours, usually late. Three of them, in coveralls. More shifty-eyed blokes, but they avoided Mr. Tinkletoes. They were over the last time I saw Mr. Gutring. Late at night, and I woke up to a strange sound—not a scream—but, I don’t know how to describe it…almost a musical note, but it chilled my bones. I got up and saw his friends leaving. In the morning, Mr. Tinkletoes was on my doorstep and I never saw Mr. Gutring leave.”
“Are you intimating that Mr. Gutring’s friends killed him?” Perkins asked. I jolted. Hot chocolate dripped over my cold fingers.
“Perkins,” I chided. “Did Curew steal your empathy?”
“That’s exactly what I’m intimating,” Mrs. Blanchard nodded solemnly. “Mr. Tinkletoes was frightened. He hasn’t gone anywhere near his master’s house. It’s not normal behavior. Animals always know when something’s not right.”
“Well,” I said. “We can ring his doorbell, but not much more than that…”
“Just look inside,” Mrs. Blanchard insisted. “I’ve already asked at his work. They haven’t seen him, either.”
“Where did he work?”
“Bookshop, just down the road, Palisades Books and Novelties.”
“We’ll take a look,” Perkins assured her. “Thanks for the hot chocolate.”
“Oh, no, thank you,” Mrs. Blanchard said. “It’s my pleasure.”
After finishing our chocolates, we headed across the frosty street. Mr. Gutring’s bicycle leaned against the faded shingle siding, coated in a sheen of rust and ice.
There were no lights on inside and no one answered my knock. I thought the curtain by the broken window stirred, as if in a breeze…but there was no breeze. The frigid morning air was still, the mist clinging steadfastly to the grass.
I knocked again.
“Hello?” Perkins called. “Is anyone home?”
Nothing. The house sat quiet and grey. Mrs. Blanchard watched from across the street, a huge grey tabby in her arms. Mr. Tinkletoes, presumably.
I smiled weakly at her and knocked again, louder. The thump-thump echoed inside, lonely and hollow. Perkins called again and we listened intently. Tick. Tick. A clock. Nothing more.
“Let’s check around back,” Perkins suggested and I followed him around the house, peering in at the tattered curtains. Through a gap I spotted an empty room, strangely devoid of furniture, but otherwise clean, save for a few clumps of something on the floor. We came to the back door and when Perkins knocked, it creaked inward.
“Anybody home?” Perkins called. We looked at each other and shrugged. Perkins pushed the door open and stepped inside. “Hello?”
“Do you smell something odd?” Perkins asked, sniffing.
“No,” I said. The cold morning air was crisp. “Leaves.”
“Come here,” Perkins said, stepping further inside. I sighed and followed him in.
“We can’t investigate every missing person so thoroughly,” I said. “We’d be doing nothing else.”
“You were the one who wanted to search the forest for a body last night,” Perkins pointed out.
“There was more concerning info about our last vanisher,” I said. “That cult business and the debts…” I trailed off. “That smells like paint.” Perkins was already down the hall, opening another door. I followed quickly after him and found it to be the room I’d glimpsed through the curtains—empty save for blobs of what looked like candle wax, dotted around in a circle. And the wall to the left of the door had been recently painted over with grey paint. The other walls were faded green floral wallpaper.
“Did you say cult?” Perkins asked.
“What, the candles?” I said, scanning the room for anything else. “Circle of candles…same paint…ritual murder, maybe? Blood hexes on the wall….covered by paint. You think this disappearance is connected to the other one?”
“I don’t know,” said Perkins.
“You’re the one pointing things out,” I said. “We didn’t notice any candle spots at the abandoned house, but could have been easy to miss in the detritus and dust.”
“Might not be ritual murder,” Perkins said. “They might just want to cover up their witch scribbles.”
“Then why the disappearances?” I asked.
“We don’t know if Henry Apindon’s disappearance really coincides with the abandoned house. He was last seen in the area, that’s all. And note: Our Mr. Gutring vanished three days ago. This paint still smells and—” Perkins marched over to the wall and touched it gingerly, “—still not totally cured. Painted last night or yesterday…paint can’t have dried properly last night. Too cold in here.”
“The paint in the abandoned house was fresh, too,” I added. “Perhaps they knew we would be coming?”
Perkins shivered. “I don’t like that.”
“I guess we should search the house,” I said.
“What, hope to find the bodies this time? They wouldn’t still be here. Not after they came back to cover the wall.”
“Other evidence,” I insisted.
“Or maybe Mrs. Blanchard is right and he’s dead upstairs,” Perkins said. “Although…then he couldn’t have painted the wall.”
I was staring at the corner. There was…something there.
“P-Perkins,” I said, taking a step deeper into the room. My legs wobbled, rubbery and strange. I blinked. “What is that?”
Perkins stared at it with me in silence.
It was not what I had expected to see and I was confused as to why it should be so disturbing. Why were my legs funny? The sight was strangely dizzying. But why? What was wrong? Something about it was indescribably off…
“If I had to say,” Perkins coughed out at length. “I would say it is yellow?”
I looked again. Yes…if I had give it one word…yellow would be the closest. Though the word did not hold any of the disquiet and unease that I felt looking upon it. It was too fearful to be yellow—too malignant. Too slimy.
What was it?
Perkins stepped closer. I held out a hand as if to stop him.
“They were in a hurry,” Perkins said. “They were trying to cover this…this…yellow.”
“Can’t say I blame them,” I muttered, following Perkins reluctantly into the corner.
We stared at it in silence until we could no longer bear it— It was like something you would see in a dream. A color that didn’t really exist. A shade beyond the natural spectrum. A thing of unsettling nightmare. The yellow seemed to bubble and writhe as we watched.
“We should go back to the abandoned house and check it over again,” I said.
“After we look upstairs,” Perkins said.
We found nothing in the rest of the house, as we had both expected.
We drove quietly back to the old derelict and poked through the rubbish. There was a circle of wax drips in front of the painted wall.
“Apindon was last seen about a month ago,” I mused. “Gutring three days ago. Perhaps there’s a clue in their cult markings?” I took out my pocket knife.
“Then they would have covered them right away,” Perkins said. “But you saw that color?”
“Too unique…maybe they were afraid someone would match it with them somewhere else.”
“What if there are no cult markings?” Perkins suggested quietly. I breathed out a cloud of fog into the cold air and applied my blade carefully to the wall.
I peeled off a chunk of the thick paint layer. Two layers stuck together. The grey paint took off the yellow with it. I peeled off another. The whole wall had been yellow.
“You mean the…color…is the cult marking?” I asked.
“We’re clearly not meant to see it, whatever the case,” Perkins said.
“This doesn’t make sense,” I muttered.
“Not ritual murder, but we’re still missing two men,” Perkins mused.
“And this—this color is connected somehow. But how?”
Curew was not amused with our findings.
“The disappearances are connected?” he asked. “By paint?”
Perkins rolled his eyes and I scowled. “If you will, yes,” I said. “No it doesn’t make sense, but there’s definitely a connection. I don’t know what. I don’t think we can really say murder, but their disappearances are not normal. I’m going to go and ask Apindon’s relations if he knew anyone by the name of Gutring.”
“That wasn’t a normal color,” Perkins said.
“You’re not a normal color,” Curew said, squinting at him. “Mathis, get him a coffee on your way to interrrogate these poor relations.”
“See, you do care,” I said.
“No, once again it’s the quality of your work,” Curew said. “Or Perkins’ to be exact. You two will get nothing done if he’s incapacitated.”
I rolled my eyes and we set off. But it was a dry run. Apindon's wife knew nothing of any Mr. Gutring, but she was able to confirm that the scarf we’d found at the derelict had belonged to her husband.
The next day proved to be too busy with overdue paperwork to go back and search either house again and I was rather put out with the thought that there was no more evidence to be gathered from either location…though I still felt we were missing something important.
A month went by before we had any further hint. And when it came it arrived like a slap of icy seawater in the face. My telephone jangled obnoxiously one evening while I was enjoying the last of the sunshine through my sitting room window.
“Mathis!” it was Perkins. “I've seen it!”
“Seen what? Where?”
“The color! That abnatural yellow hue!” Perkins exclaimed breathlessly. “I’m visiting my girl over here in Grunwich. We went for a walk and—" Perkins paused for a breath. “We were passing a house. A new one that was being painted—the inside—there were painters going in and out. And the door was open—and I saw—it was on their paintbrushes, too—the COLOR!”
I was silent for a few moments, listening to Perkins panting. “Did you ask them where they got it?” I asked.
“No,” Perkins said, falling back into a rushed stream of words, “they were already packing up for the day—they seemed to be careful not to let the yellow paint show on their tools, washing it all behind the house—I was so unsettled that I went back to my girl’s house and took a shot—just a small one, mind—and when I went back, they were all gone and the house locked up.”
“Did you get their company?” I interrupted.
“No! I’m afraid I was too excited to pay attention. I want to say their logo had a bird of some kind but I’m not sure—I asked the neighbors, but they weren’t sure, either. Really, odd, none of them seemed to know anything about the painters. They didn’t know who owned the house, either. But I peered through the windows and the walls—the walls—”
“Were yellow,” I finished, forcing myself to loosen my grip on the telephone receiver. My hand was beginning to cramp.
“They oozed with it,” Perkins shuddered.
“Are you sure it was the same…hue?” I asked.
“Sure?!” Perkins exclaimed. “There was no mistaking it.”
“All right,” I said. “Did the painters seem suspicious to you, other than washing everything in the back? That’s not that odd.”
“Now you’re trying to be the skeptic?” Perkins huffed. “Not really. But they did seem to take extra care not to show off their paint unnecessarily and they eyed us as we walked past. I think they noticed my reaction to the paint and they seemed even more guarded after that.”
“Hmm,” I mused.
“Well?” Perkins asked. “Are you going to come over here?”
“I thought you were sure it was the same paint?”
“Bring a flashlight,” Perkins grumbled. “I'm at my girl's place. 14 Gryphon Road, Grunwich.” And he hung up. I sighed and replaced the receiver.
This was our only lead on this so far. And it had also been too long…Curew would not approve of our wasting time on this vague mystery. But something was undeniably going on.
I found my flashlight and my pistol, just in case, and drove over to Grunwich as fast as I could. It was a twenty minute drive to Grunwich, and then I got lost looking for Gryphon Road. It was well after dark by the time I finally found Perkin’s girlfriend’s house.
“Timmy already went back to look at the house,” his girlfriend told me. “He sure was pale. Is everything alright? He kept going on about a color.” My heart ticked faster and I felt for my hidden gun.
“Where is the house?”
“I’ll show you,” she said.
“No, you’d better stay here,” I said, glancing around at the darkness. “Did he have a light?”
“I gave him Dad’s light. Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, yes. How do I find the house?”
“Just go down two blocks and take a right onto Hayward, then one block and a left onto Aspen. It’s the third house on the left.”
“Thanks,” I said and hurried off into the night. The air had that strange heavy emptiness that comes with extreme cold and I shivered in my greatcoat. The cold seemed to assault my skin with an almost tangible presence. It had snowed three days before and the dusty film was slippery on the pavement. My nose and the tips of my ears stung with the chill.
I found Hayward and hurried down in, my light bouncing off snow-dusted mailboxes and dead hedges. And there was Aspen. I stumbled to a halt, petrified, thinking the ground had turned…yellow…in front of me, but it was only a layer of fallen aspen leaves peering through a snowless patch. My heart didn’t resume a normal pace, though. I couldn’t see Perkins’ flashlight.
Maybe he didn’t feel the need to be seen standing there outside the house…damn, it was cold, why would he have come down here ahead of me? Why was he still here? Or was he?
I approached the third house on the left. This had to be it…but…there was a light on inside! In fact—it was the only house on the entire street that had any light on. And then I saw the old truck in the drive, hidden partially by a large bush. There was a logo on the side. And it looked like some kind of bird. My breath chuffed huge clouds out in front of my flashlight beam and I switched it off. Where was Perkins?
The golden light danced inside the quiet house…like candlelight. Ducking, I tiptoed up the icy steps to the door. The handle turned and I slipped into the dark warmth of the entry hall. I closed the door quietly behind me and squinted into the gloom. Stairs led up into blackness. The light was coming from down the hall, and by it, I could see that the entry was not yellow. Not that yellow. I thought the walls must be white, but the candlelight made them buttery. The warmth was a relief but the sounds I heard quietly drifting down the hall chilled me worse than the air outside.
Whispers rose and fell in an unworldly cadence, shuffling up and down through almost inhuman registers, but so, so quiet. I trembled and nearly dropped my flashlight.
A horrifynig shadow fell across the light coming from the open door down the hall. I stepped back, pressing up against the frigid front door.
“In ancient days,” intoned a crisp, dry voice, “he knew the earth, and the earth bled, for it could not bear the presence. And men offered of their blood, that the earth might not be consumed, and they worshipped the Lord of all, the King of Hell.”
I trembled anew as more rasping voices joined in a chorus: “And his house shall be painted in the hue of his glory and all who enter in shall know his madness.”
“We have touched the sacred pigment,” said the first voice, “and we have let loose the blood and tasted the glory of pure insanity—hell’s own love. Tonight, our king requires another sacrifice! Behold!”
“Teh Ri’Teth!” chanted the chorus. I gripped the doorknob, as if to flee. But then Perkins’ voice cut through the fiendish whispering.
“Don’t do this!”
Sacrifice!
I pulled out my pistol and advanced on the candlelit shadow.
“Erah!” chanted the worshippers. “Teh Ri’Teth semmi rarat.”
An insane laugh rattled the chandelier above my head. I was almost to the door but I stopped, unable to advance against that horrible sound. It trailed into a sinister giggle and I swallowed shakily.
But Perkins was in there. And I had a gun. I took the last few steps to the door and thrust my pistol into the room to a chorus of “Teh Ri’Teth!”
“Nobody move!” I ordered, stepping through into the—the—the color.
The entire room swelled and glowed with that sickening hideous shade. The walls seemed to breathe it out, as if they were not merely painted with it, but were it. The paint looked still wet, sweating, dank and alive. I staggered, the pistol shaking in my hand. The candlelight danced like whirling figures on the shimmering walls of the color.
Four painters sat on the floor around the circle of candles and their shadows twisted agonizingly on the yellow walls. Their coveralls were splattered with various colors and their faces bore a ludicrous glee as they all turned to look at me. Perkins was sitting with them—and he was the one giggling.
I advanced on the circle with clumsy, numb steps. Only Perkins made any sound. The giggle whispered in the back of his throat and his eyes gleamed with…with that color!
“P-Perkins?” I stuttered. His giggle trailed off into a quiet, high-pitched squeal. “Stop that!” I shrieked, much louder than I meant to. “What’s happening?” I knew I couldn’t hit anything. The pistol’s sights danced before my eyes on the rubbery ends of my arms.
The door slammed behind me and I whirled, heart blocking my trachea, to see a fifth painter locking the door.
“Open it!” I hissed, my pistol tracking a delirious arc after the man as he grinned insanely at me and stepped away from the door.
“Ha!” Perkins guffawed.
“Shh!” the painters hissed, and then they all began murmuring under their breath in that bizarre cadence. Perkins joined them.
“Perkins, damn it! What are you doing?” I gasped and turned back to the fifth painter. “Give me that key!” I demanded. He just stepped back and began humming. I advanced on him. He wasn’t armed. He kept backing away, humming madly.
“Give it here!” I hissed, charging at him. He stumbled against the wall and cried out. I skidded to a stop and dropped my pistol. The painter screamed as—the wall—he writhed—the wall—he was stuck to it—and the color seeped into his clothes, his skin, like a dye spreading into fabric…his scream rose to a terrible pitch and his eyes dilated—as yellow as the wall.
And the color absorbed him. The other painters held their breath and all was silent. I stared at the blank yellow wall where the painter had disappeared, my chest heaving and my fingers twitching. I stooped and picked up my pistol, turning back to the door. I fired madly at the lock, but as I did so, I saw that the door, too, was yellow…
My bullet missed the handle and vanished into the paint, leaving a ripple that passed out from the door and across the wall, as if it were all liquid.
Liquid paint. Liquid yellow. Liquid madness.
And then I heard a voice.
“In my house, all must be the color of glory.”
The painters screamed and scrambled across the floor to grasp each other in terror, knocking over candles as they did so. Perkins among them.
The walls were dripping onto the floor. The color was seeping across the old wood toward the center of the room. I backed away from it, firing madly at the advancing wave, but my bullets just splashed into the floor as if it were nothing more than a veneer of reality.
I found myself huddling with the painters and Perkins as the color surrounded us, oozing ever closer.
“You were supposed to be the sacrifice,” Perkins whispered in my ear. “We shouldn’t have painted a whole room.” He began to sob.
“He told us to,” rasped one of the painters. “Teh Ri’Teth. A whole room, he said. For his glory.”
“And so it is,” hissed that unfathomable monster-voice I had heard earlier. I clutched Perkins.
A few of the candles still stood or guttered on the floor around us. The yellow tide eased closer, snuffing them out, one by one, until we were in darkness.
But there was no darkness in his house.
The color was the light and it began to absorb us, one by one, as we screamed in the agony of knowledge.

Friday, October 18, 2019

Catfish, a very short horror story

I met her on Instagram. Today, I’m going to meet her in person.
At first, she’d seemed like another one of those vain profiles: selfies and makeup and poses.
But she messaged me and, strangely, we seemed to have a lot in common--it quickly became evident that @kellilepoissonfantastique was a front for a real human being.
And she only lives two hours away.
So I’m driving there now, thinking back on the months—nearly a year, actually—of our growing relationship. We’ve both found ourselves lonely in this shallow world. I’ve never pointed out how superficial her self-glorying account is. She messaged me first—because she doesn’t trust anyone approaching her for her content.
My friend teases me that she’s not real—that she’s catfishing me. But I’ll show him. When I take a selfie with her in just a few minutes.
“Take the next left onto Somerset Street,” google maps tells me.
She sent me her location yesterday. Exact location. I’ve known where she lives for a long time already. But we might be serious after today. After we meet in person. We’ve already told each other so much about each other. I’m bringing her a lily-scented candle. They're her favorite.
They remind her of her childhood: the lilies beside the pond with the blue boat. She left when her parents died. She moved to the outskirts of Bamberg, where she works as a dental receptionist, but hates it. She’d rather be swimming.
And I’m here. I open my car door and take a deep breath.
The house is white and clean. The lawn is impeccable. I climb out of my car and straighten my shirt. Clearing my throat, I cross the lawn and ring the doorbell. My phone dings and its her.
Just come on through the house. I’m out back by the pool.
Of course. I open the door and step in. I wrinkle my nose…it’s…what? Sort of dank. But everything is spotless. Shining white couch and tan carpet. The lights are dim. I tiptoe through the living room—I can glimpse the backyard through the kitchen’s glass door.
There are cattails in a vase on the kitchen table and flies buzzing by one of the cabinets. I set my candle on the table and open the door.
The pool is filthy. No sign of the buxom blonde. Am I at the right house? Wait…
I flip through her pictures on my phone. Didn’t she say this one was in her living room? Blue…like water. I’m either in the wrong house, or…
My foot slips in mud as I turn back to the kitchen. And I spot something I hadn’t on my way through…just beside the door, where I wouldn’t see it as I entered the kitchen, hangs a massive leather overcoat. And huge rubber boots.
The water splashes behind me. I whirl around to see the muddy water sloshing back and forth.
“Hello?” I call, but quietly, my voice lost and dry. “Kelli?”
Something smacks me in the side of the head and I fall, slamming into the glass door. Dazed, I slide down into the redolent mud and struggle to roll over.
“It’s Keldron,” says a heavy, watery voice. “And you must be the delicious Eric.”
I sit up on my elbows. And blink through stinging tears. My cheek is numb and it’s spreading. I’ve been drugged!
I feel my face and the tingling seems to transfer to my trembling hands. I look up.
“You’re a catfish,” I slur.
Keldron just grins and opens his gigantic lips to swallow me whole.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

October Frights: Book Excerpt and announcement

Hello, I have an exciting announcement, my horror comedy, Ambulatory Cadavers, is currently being made into an audiobook!
I don't think it will quite be ready in time for Halloween, but it should be out by early November!

Here's a short excerpt from Chapter Nine: In Which Alice Encounters a Cake in the Grass

A piercing scream came from around the corner of the house. Alice dropped her fork and parasol, nearly leaping out of her seat. Lyra turned her head with a speed to match that of her metabolism and Charles’s eyes nearly popped out onto the table.
“What—” he began. Another scream followed and a loud crunching and then silence.
Alice shivered. The birds stopped singing. The fountain splashed discordantly in the sudden stillness. Shuffling steps approached and around the corner stepped an undead soldier.
“Braaaaaaaaaains,” it said, fixing its soulless eyes on Alice. It stepped out of the shadows, the sun falling on its grey-bluish green skin. It had once been a young man, but now it stooped and hobbled like an ancient one. Blood dripped from its drooling mouth, sinews stuck between its teeth dangling like party streamers. Stitches lined its widow’s peak and laced its chest, peering out from its open jacket. Not a soldier’s jacket after all, but stained with fresh blood nevertheless.
“Wonkers,” Alice squeaked breathlessly, seizing her pound cake.
“My Creature,” Lyra whispered.
The creature narrowed its eyes. “Braiiiiiiins!!” it screamed, and charged across the lawn. Alice, Lyra, and Charles all squealed in unison, toppled their chairs, and fled. The creature was between them and the house, so they made for the greenhouse.
The pound cake slid off the porcelain plate. Alice skidded to a stop and looked back at the cake lying in the grass.
“Cake!” she cried.
The cake did not respond. The zombie, however, yelled enthusiastically, “Brain! Uh! Brains!” As it turned out, the walking dead could keep her from a good pound cake. She turned and ran. Lyra and Charles were a good ten paces ahead of her and they didn’t look back.
“Wait!” she called after them. She glanced back. The zombie was closing in. It reached the pound cake but stopped to pick it up. Alice ran faster.
Charles and Lyra were almost to the sparkling walls of the greenhouse. The pound cake whistled past Alice’s head. The zombie crowed as the cake rolled between Lyra’s feet, tripping her. She toppled in a cascade of white gauze and pink ribbon, her parasol snapping underneath her.
Charles plowed up turf as he skidded to a stop and wheeled around to help her up. Alice reached them and grabbed Lyra’s other arm. Together, she and Charles pulled Lyra through the greenhouse door. Charles slammed it shut and barred it with a shovel. Alice’s last view was of the zombie loping awkwardly toward them, wailing, “Awww!” in dismay.
Alice collapsed onto the tiled floor, shaking. Lyra stood swaying next to her, mumbling under her breath. Charles wiped his forehead. The lower walls of the greenhouse were frosted glass, so they couldn’t see out.
“They’re real!” Alice gasped. And then she started crying. Charles helped her to her feet and the three cousins stood in a tight circle hugging as the zombie pounded on the door.
“What fools we’ve been!” Charles exclaimed.
Alice had her head buried in his chest, but he pushed her away and she found her head on an even less receptive breast — Lyra’s. Charles seized a trowel from a tool bench and stood ready at the vibrating door. To Alice’s shock and surprise, Lyra began to gently pat her shoulder.
“Don’t worry,” Lyra said consolingly, “good girls like you will go straight to Heaven.”


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